Act Casual

Tinder. 

 

eternal flame, yo

 I signed up a year ago, deleted it for a while, just reinstalled like two weeks ago. I’ve definitely had better luck this time around. As is always the case when dealing with men, there’s a tonne of bullshit to wade through, but if you’re persistent and optimistic, you will eventually find a few decent lays. Or at least a few fun ones. 

Let me run you through the best parts of online encounters:

  1. The Meet-Cute: Conveniently, my address does not actually lead to my flat if you follow GPS. This means that the first time someone comes over – usually at like 1 or 2am – we end up wandering around talking to each other on the phone and trying to find each other. 
  2. We Got No Strings: Meeting and banging someone from the Internet almost never leads to more. This is fantastic because relationships are painful and hard, and sex is fun and therefore preferable unattached. 
  3. Whatshername: The sorta awkward pause when I realise after we’ve already banged that I’m only about 60% sure of the person’s name is hands down my favourite exercise in improve. “How do you spell your name? No, your last name.” is a great line. As is “What’s your last name,  I’m not going to Facebook you I promise – I just need to add you to the list of people I’ve had sex with in my life.” I usually go with the second one to be honest. 
  4. Stayin’ Alive: As of this writing, I have not yet been murdered by anyone. Which is just great, if you ask me. 

Lisbeth Salamander – the coolest car you know 

I bought a car.  

She sort of glows right?

 

I’ve been kinda very excited about the whole situation. As you probably remember, I haven’t had a working car for more than two years. And even that car – Ivysaur – was totally illegal and barely worked. 

For the past month I’ve been searching hardcore for a car. I contacted some people, did a test drive that was super disappointing, and had nearly given up hope when a 2am Craig’s List search pulled up a $2800 gold Ford Focus in Arlington. 

One of my friends was sweet enough to drive me down to look at her, and the dealer cut me a deal so I paid $2670 after tax and title. And now I have a car!

Her passenger windshield wiper doesn’t work, and her fluids probably need to be changed, but she’s a beauty. I love her and she’s comfy af and I have driven her almost two-hundred miles since Friday. 

Yesterday I took my road test, which I totally passed, so now I’m a real and legal driver. After Easter I’m going to visit my aunt in Austin – it’ll be my first self-powered road trip. I’m so excited. It’s like… The ocean is the limit for me. I can drive anywhere I want now. Because I have a car. 

 

It’s driver seat selfies from here on out

 

I made it. I finally did the thing. 

I talked about this post

THIS IS A PLAYLIST THAT I MADDeE.

Uh. Yah. I tweeted about this earlier. Every song represents a relationship. Except the last one which is just a song that I’ve had sex with at least a dozen different people to. Literally. At least 12 people have fucked me while this song plays. Yah.

ENJOY: https://play.google.com/music/playlist/AMaBXyl-VOOsfKZ5V0tgWFVZWRhn6qzh5lJE638wLApG3N6VknS07q6pAVIViRfCUMjgiV2Zv_uSejE6ZA4gSGA25Mi-1rnzag==

It’s pretty exciting. I feel like everyone will be able to identify the song that they belong to. It’s great.

I’m drunk. I should stop drunk blogging but idk that i ever will.

Ther’s a cat in my lap.

Oh but now she left. QQ

Enjoy the playlist or whateve ri luv u

I Can What I Can’t 

There’s an old saying my grandmother had on the wall of her kitchen when I was a kid that said “I eat what I can and I can what I can’t.” I love that. 



“The jars look so pretty sitting on the shelf…” From my grandmother’s journal, Mar 6th 2008

I grew up around canning and food storage in general. It’s part of being LDS – we plan for the future, for times when we aren’t able to provide for ourselves. It’s something I still do. I have rice in bulk, and flour and sugar and salt and Mac and Cheese and all kinds of things that I can eat when I have no money or if we get snowed in or if the world comes to an end. I also have happy little jars of apple butter made from the apples that we would have thrown away when I worked at the hotel. 

The first time I canned anything was March of 2008. My gran canned a bunch of stuff, including chili sauce which is a weird tomato relish that she pronounced ‘chilla sauce,’ and recruited me to help. Canning is tedious but pretty rewarding. The key is to have at least one other tab open, otherwise it’s hella dull. 

When you can jams or butters or relishes, you don’t need a pressurised canner, you just need a hot water bath and some time. When they’re done and cooled, their kids pop audibly. That’s how you know they’re sealed. I remember her telling me one time how that popping noise made her happier than almost anything else. Every time my canned goods pop, I think of her. She was a really cool person.

I’m going to bed now. I spent 12 hours in my kitchen cooking and cleaning today. It kinda sucked but i can officially say the kitchen is done now. So I guess it’s kinda awesome too. Room by room. I’m going to beat this place into a home I can be proud of. 

no but fuck u bitch just cuz i’m drunk doesn’t mean i can’t beat ur ass

and not in the fun way.

Have you heard of hearthstone? if a=y -> add evanafter#1224 to ur battle.net and fucking fight me.

Hearthstone_Screenshot_2.26.2015.02.55.07

if no then read this fucking shit: click me bitch.

I started playing because Mike and Sean play. Then i realised that I hadn’t had this much fun just playing a video game since skyrim. ugh i love it so much. Sometimes i just play for like 6h and listen to music and eat candy and this is why i’m not running 5k but instead sitting in my room in a cow onesie making drunk video game let’s plays. Ughhhhh. Ugh. whatever.

it only took me like 8 tries and making him play the base decks for the shittiest chars for me to beat michael. it’s amazing i love winning things :’)

anyway. have i ever confided in you that I love pain? also I was accused of having an Adler complex or something? Idk. I thought for a moment he meant Irene Adler which just absolutely tickled me. But i think he probably meant something less flattering. idk maybe one of you knows something about psychology and can fill me in? i’m sure it had something to do with “she needs control because she feels inadequate in her personal life” or something. which is…maybe true? idk i think i like control because A) i’m usually more capable than the people around me and B) if everything gets fucked then it’s my fault and that i can deal with. when it’s other people’s fault that things get fucked i get so mad.

Uhhhh yah. so that’s the thing. Idk. I took this quiz cuz that’s totally scientific and i got “God Complex” which is another phrase that got thrown at me but which is blatantly untrue because I am definitely very fallible. So…that’s not accuretwate adrnegaoidrnegt. UGH SPELLING IS HARD.

I think i’m drunk guys.

To summarise: I like beating people, i hate incompetent people, i like hearthstone, i’m stupid over some boy, i haven’t had sex in 13 days.

Yah. So…maybe i could beat ur ass. in the fun way.

Yo, i didn’t even proof read this so I hope its not shit lol